Sexual Orientation
I’m a 16 year old boy and have been having feelings for a boy in my class at school. Am I gay?
“Am I gay?” is a question that many people ask themselves when they experience feelings for someone of the same sex. It can be very daunting and scary if you feel this way. You may wonder why you feel differently to some of your friends.
It is very common to have feelings for someone of the same sex. For some people, these feelings do mean that they are gay. These people may go on to have relationships with other people of the same sex, and define themselves as gay or lesbian.
For others, these feelings may change as they develop, and they may find that they become attracted to people of the opposite sex. Other people may go on to have relationships with both men and women and define themselves as bisexual. Many people report having a crush on someone of the same sex as they grow up, or a very close loving friendship. Experiencing these feelings does not necessarily mean someone is gay. Only they can decide in their own time if this is so, as their feelings either grow or change.
All these experiences are completely normal, and only the individual concerned can reach a decision about their sexuality. It is important not to feel pressured in any way when it comes to deciding your sexuality, and to remember that there are people you can talk to for help and support if you are worried.
If you would like to talk in confidence about your sexuality, you can call the London Gay and Lesbian Switchboard 24 hours a day on 0207 837 7324.
At school I heard some of my friends talking about a friend of mine being bisexual and I think she might have heard them say this. What does this mean?
Bisexual refers to people of either sex who are emotionally and sexually attracted to both men and women. Some people who are bisexual go through life having relationships with both men and women, while others who at first call themselves bisexual later go on to define themselves as lesbian, gay, or straight.
It is important to remember that at school rumours can fly around about people and their sexuality and that these are not always true. Your friend may be feeling upset to hear that people are talking about her behind her back and appreciate your non-judgemental support and reassurance. If your friend tells you that she is bisexual, remember that this doesn’t make her any different as a friend.
Over the past few years I’ve realised that I’m gay. I’m terrified of telling my parents and scared they’ll disown me when they find out. How can I approach them about this?
Approaching your parents about being gay can be a scary and daunting prospect, but one which will hopefully take a great weight off your mind once it has been achieved and lead to acceptance of your sexuality. There is no set easy way to approach your parents with this news, and it is best to think about what may be the most fitting way for your specific family. Some people find that it is best for them to sit their family members down together and be direct. Others wait to tell people individually, or even write their feelings down in a letter or note so that they can say exactly what they want without possible interruption.
It is important to remember that your parents will probably be shocked and confused at first, especially if they had not seen your announcement coming. They may seem angry, quiet or very upset. This does not necessarily mean that they will have a problem accepting your sexuality in the long-run. Remember that your parents may have spent your life so far thinking of you and your future in a certain way, and that your announcement may challenge this. Your parents may also be upset and worried at the thought of you facing prejudice from others in society.
Talking honestly and straightforwardly about your sexuality may help your parents to cope with your news. Be prepared to answer questions they may have as this may settle some of their worries and provide them with a greater level of understanding. Time and understanding usually lead to acceptance, and most parents who learn that their child is gay continue having a close and loving relationship with their child.
You can find more in-depth information about telling loved ones about your sexuality from the following links:
Young people needing someone they can come out to can contact the confidential EACH Helpline free on 0808 1000 143, Mon-Fri
I’m being badly bullied at school because I’m gay. The constant taunts are getting me down and I don’t know what to do. What can I do about it?
Prejudice and ignorance are factors that cause people to bully those who seem different to the norm in the eyes of those doing the bullying. At school, young people can be cruel to others who seem slightly different from themselves.
Homophobic bullying occurs when someone is the target of verbal, physical or emotional abuse by individuals or groups because they are lesbian or gay (or thought to be by others). This bullying can cause the young person affected to feel withdrawn and depressed, with their self-esteem taking a knocking. If you are being bullied at school, it is important to remember that it is the ignorance of the people that are doing the bullying that is at fault, not you. While hard to do, standing up to the bullies and talking about your sexuality may help curb the bullying and break-down the prejudices the bullies have. Talking to a teacher or parent may also help put a stop to their mean behaviour.
You do not have to suffer this bullying in silence, even if you feel unable to tell a teacher or parent. If you are a young person affected by homophobia, you can receive support and guidance on how to challenge it by calling the confidential EACH Helpline free on 0808 1000 143, Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 10am-12pm.
What is the age of consent for people who are gay and lesbian?
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Prosecution for having sex under these ages is rare as long as both people consented and there is no evidence of exploitation or a large age difference.
For further information on this, click here: Age of consent
I have strong feelings for my friend who is 14 just like me. Last night I even fantasised we were a couple and that she was kissing me. Is it normal to fancy someone of the same sex as me?
It is completely normal to have feelings for someone of the same sex as you, just as it is also fine to fancy someone of the opposite sex too! While you are growing up you may find you have strong feelings for women, just as for men. In fact, many people report having feelings for someone of the same sex as them at some point in life, or feeling curious as to what it may be like to be closer with someone of the same sex.
You may find that these feelings change over time and you become attracted to men, or you may find that you become attracted to other women. You may be attracted to men and women and have relationships with both. Only you can make the decision as to who you fancy in life, and it is important to remember that there is nothing wrong with being gay, straight or bisexual.
There can be a lot of pressure on someone who is uncertain of their sexuality but it is important to come to your own decision when considering your sexual identity.
If you would like to talk to someone in confidence about the feelings you are having for your friend, you can come along to one of our Brook Centres and have a chat with a counsellor. Brook Counsellors are non-judgemental and will give you space to explore how you are feeling, as well as offering support. For details, click here: Go To Brook
I’m in my first gay relationship and anxious about having anal sex. I’m not really sure what it involves.
Anal intercourse is when a man puts his penis into another person’s anus and rectum. Like all aspects of sex, whether or not to have anal sex is a personal choice. Some people enjoy it, but not all men who have sex with men choose to have anal sex. With any sexual activity, it is important not to feel pressurised into doing something that you are not comfortable with.
It is completely natural to worry or feel anxious about having sex for the first time in any relationship. Deciding to become closer with someone and have sex is a big decision to make. There is a lot to think about, including whether you are ready emotionally and how to make sure that you are protected from sexually transmitted infections.
No one is expected 'to know' how to have sex if they have not done it before. Learning to feel more relaxed and confident takes time and practice. People will enjoy different experiences at different times, so what might feel good by someone might not for someone else. Sex is likely to be a more positive experience if you are able to discuss with your partner:
* what feels good for both of you
* what you are prepared to do and not do at this stage
* or any anxiety you may have about having sex for the first time
* the importance of using condoms
In any sexual relationship it is important to make sure that you use protection to protect both yourself and your partner from the risk of infections. Extra strong condoms are available for use during anal sex to protect against infection, and these can be used along with a water-based lubricant such as KY Jelly to make penetration easier. It is very important not to use oil-based products such as Vaseline as a lubricant, as these can rot the latex in condoms. Remember that some infections can be passed on though close body contact as well as penetrative sex.
I’m a lesbian, and my partner tells me that we don’t need to take precautions when we have sex as we can’t catch infections from each other. Is this true?
This is a myth. It is still possible to catch infections if you are in a lesbian relationship. Infections such as genital warts and pubic lice can be caught from close body contact alone, while others can be transmitted via vaginal fluids or blood. It is important to remember that some sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can be passed on through oral sex too.
To reduce the risk of infection, a condom can be used for oral sex. Dental dams (thin squares of latex) can also be used as a barrier during contact between the mouth and the vagina, or the mouth and the anus. Contact your local GUM (Genito-Urinary Medicine Clinic) for further details.
If using sex toys, these should be washed after each use. This is because some sexually transmitted infections can be passed on by sharing toys with someone else. If you use toys such as vibrators or dildos that someone else also uses, it is important to put a new condom on for each partner and activity to help reduce risk. Do not use the same sex toy for vaginal sex after using it in the anal area, as you could transfer bacteria which may cause a vaginal infection.
With lesbian, gay, and bisexual relationships it is important to protect against infections. If you are worried at any time that you may have an infection, it is important to go to a GUM clinic for a check-up. Regular testing is a good way to ensure that any potential infections can be caught quickly and treated. You can do a search for your nearest GUM clinic from the following link: nearest GUM clinic
My best friend has just told me she is a lesbian. I don’t know how to behave around her anymore. I mean, what if she fancies me?
The fact that your friend has been able to announce to you that she is a lesbian reveals how much she trusts and values as a friend. This announcement was probably quite difficult for her to make as she may have been unsure as to how you would react.
The important thing to remember is that even though your friend has revealed something about her sexuality to you, this doesn’t mean she is a changed person. She will still be the same good friend to you as she was before the announcement. If she is planning to tell other people about her sexuality, she may appreciate your support and reassurance.
Don’t be afraid to ask your friend questions about her sexuality. This will help you to understand where she is coming from and also put to rest any worries or fears you have. As your friend has got up the courage to tell you about her sexuality, she is probably prepared for any questions you might have. Remember that just because your friend has told you that she is a lesbian doesn’t mean she fancies you, just as straight people do not automatically fancy all their mates of the opposite sex! If this is bothering you, ask your friend.
I’m worried about my sexuality. I feel isolated and nobody I know understands what I am going through. Are there any organisations that can help me?
Yes, there are. Some people do find it helpful to explore their feelings with someone understanding and non-judgemental. You might want to get more information and support and share your feelings with other people that have been through similar experiences.
You can contact the London Gay and Lesbian Switchboard 24 hours a day on 0207 837 7324 and talk to someone in confidence. This service acts as a source of information, support and referral to lesbians and gay men or anyone who needs to consider lesbian or gay issues. They can also signpost you to local services if this would be helpful.
Under 25s can call the GYL Project Helpline Monday-Friday between 4 and
You may also find it helpful to read about the experiences of other gay and lesbian people from the AVERT website, click here: gay and lesbian experiences
If you are under 25 you can also come along to Brook and talk to a counsellor about these feelings and your concerns. A counsellor will listen and offer support. Brook counsellors are non-judgemental and won’t tell you what to do. Counselling gives you the space to explore how you feel and allows you to talk about the issues affecting you. For details of your nearest Brook Centre, click on the following link: Go To Brook
It’s the weekend, it’s time to party! Is there any way I can look up what events may be happening in my area for lesbian, gay and bisexual people?
You may find it helpful to look at queery.org.uk. This is a community driven directory for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans life. As well as listing events for the gay, lesbian and bisexual community, you can use the directory to search for voluntary and commercial services, as well as clubs, restaurants and what’s on in your area. You can also find support groups and meetings in your area from this search directory.
